Slackers
by Opal12
Summary: Hanamichi and Kaede are on the verge of being expelled from college. An obscure loophole might be the only thing to save them. Dark comedy. Chap. 3 up! What the hell is ADHD?
1. A Warning

Disclaimer: Slam Dunk doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Takehiko Inoue.

Warning: It's a parody on college life and suicide. Don't worry, it's funny.

Author's Notes: I got the inspiration from the movie Dead Man on Campus. It's pretty hilarious, so I recommend you see it yourself.

Please read and review!

* * *

It all started with a test.

Rukawa and Sakuragi didn't study for it. And the test after that. And the test after that test. Well, you get the picture.

And so we find Rukawa sitting at the dean's office, waiting for another student to come in. He didn't have any idea why he was there in the first place. Then again, he didn't give a rat's arse anyway.

"Kitsune? What the heck are you doing here?" said Sakuragi, coming into the room and having a seat. Rukawa was not surprised. The redhead spent more time with the dean than the whole freshmen class combined.

"You two know each other?" asked the dean.

"We're roommates," explained Rukawa.

The old man's eyebrows shot up so high and so fast it would've made NASA proud.

"I see. That explains why you two have the same abysmal grades."

Kaede and Hanamichi scowled. He didn't have to rub it in.

"Do you know why I called you two?" inquired the dean.

"No," said Rukawa sourly.

The dean got up from his table and started walking around, assessing them.

"Well you see, Kanagawa university prides itself being the epitome of academic and athletic excellence. Both of you are brilliant basketball players. But it is not enough to be good in sports. As student athletes, you are required to maintain a GPA of 2.25 or higher," explained the dean. The two delinquents just gave him identical blank looks.

Hanamichi was getting bored. He had other better things to do than sit in a stuffy room and listen to the old man yak all day.

"What has this talk got to do with us oyaji?" voiced Hanamichi out loud.

The dean's eyes narrowed into slits. The redhead had no respect towards authority whatsoever.

"In layman's terms, if you boys don't pull your grades up I'm going to kick you out the school. For good," said the dean with relish. He waited for their reaction. None came. Kami, it was like pulling teeth with these two.

He sighed and waved a hand. "You are dismissed."

Once outside…

"Can you believe that guy? What a retard," hooted Sakuragi.

"Do'aho. I think he was serious," said Rukawa quietly. He couldn't help but feel a sense of foreboding at the dean's parting words.

Hanamichi snorted. "Please. He's been telling me that for ages and I'm still here. He's just pulling your leg. Don't worry about it."

Coming from the redhead, it only worried Rukawa even more.

"I gotta go. The football team is throwing a party and even Sendoh's there. Want to come along?" said Hanamichi gleefully.

"Don't you have classes to go to?"

"Are you kidding me? Hell no. Bye!" said Hanamichi and jogged off.

Rukawa on the other hand, did attend his classes. Unfortunately, he was asleep on all of them the whole time.

_Basketball practice 6:00 PM_

"What did you do to piss off the dean so much?" yelled Fujima, his voice ringing out throughout the gym. Everyone who heard him winced. When the former Shoyo captain was upset, he made sure everyone knew about it.

"We didn't do anything!" denied Hanamichi vehemently.

Fujima fixed him with a baleful glare. "You probably insulted him didn't you?"

"He did," piped in Rukawa innocently. He liked getting Sakuragi into trouble.

"I thought we're buddies Kitsune!" spluttered Hanamichi.

"He called the dean oyaji," stated Rukawa simply.

A fist promptly landed on Sakuragi's head.

"Itai!"

"BAKA! YOU DO NOT CALL THE HEAD OF THE UNIVERSITY AN OLD MAN!" roared Akagi, hitting Hanamichi again. The rest of the basketball team started laughing their heads off.

"Well he is," whined Hanamichi. "We are rebels going against the repressive educational system!" he yelled passionately. It earned him another bonk in the noggin.

"Forgive Sakuragi's mistake Kenji. He was probably high again at that time," bowed Akagi.

"Am not!"

"Yeah and Sendoh doesn't use 10 gallons of hair gel everyday," retorted Kiyota.

"Hey, I only use 7 gallons now man," clarified Sendoh.

"What do you reckon we should do we these two Shinichi?" asked Fujima.

Maki shrugged. "I don't know. Just make sure they don't get expelled. We need them for the elimination games," he ordered.

Fujima nodded. He was just given a license to kill. Yipee.

"Right. I called all of you here regarding Sakuragi and Rukawa's situation. We need to help these two get their grades up, force them if necessary," said Fujima solemnly.

Hanamichi and Kaede gulped. They didn't like how the vice-captain said the word "force".

"Anyone who is in good academic standing, please raise your hand," Hanagata called out. Fujima, Kogure, Akagi, Sendoh, Koshino, Uozumi, Maki, and Jin raised theirs.

"Anyone willing to tutor these two?" Hanagata added. The hands raised earlier went down faster than a bag of cement.

"Come on. No one? It's for the good of the team," wheedled the tall center.

"You do it then. I'd rather have a root canal," said Koshino.

Hanagata blanched. "Er, I'm busy," the former Shoyo player fibbed.

Kogure uncertainly raised his hand again. "I'll do it," he volunteered.

"NO!" yelled Mitsui all of a sudden. He grabbed the bespectacled boy possessively. "He is my tutor. I need him!"

"In more ways than one," said Hanamichi in a stage whisper. Kogure blushed at the suggestive comment.

"Okay Mitsui, no one will take your precious Kogure. Violent reaction aside, anyone else?" said Maki, highly amused. Still nobody wanted to tutor Rukawa and Sakuragi. He then spotted the spiky haired ace.

"You. Sendoh. You tutor these two bakas."

"Why me?" the ace of Ryonan squeaked.

"Because you do nothing but party anyway. High time you make yourself useful," reasoned Maki.

Sendoh pouted. "My social life is totally going to suffer because of this."

"Deal with it. Until then, you two hooligans are banned from participating in games or even practices. Hasegawa and Fukuda will take your positions in the meantime," Maki announced.

Hasegawa and Fukuda jumped to their feet, totally stoked. "Yeaha! Alright!" they said, giving each other high-fives. Hanamichi looked positively scandalized.

"BANNED?! You can't do that to us! To Kitsune, yeah, but not the Tensai!" hollered the redhead angrily.

"What do you know. He just did," said Fujima, looking smug.

"You know, there are others more competent in tutoring than I am," said Sendoh hopefully. He gave Maki a wounded puppy look.

"No Sendoh, you're not getting out of this one," said Maki, totally adamant in his decision. He grinned.

"I'm sure you'll do fine."


	2. Russian Roulette

Disclaimer: Slam Dunk doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Takehiko Inoue.

Warning: Mild swearing ahead.

Thank you for all those who reviewed! Namely Tina Caps, Angemecanique, toon, mistressKC, and Nian.

To toon: You don't like MitKo? I'm sure I'll be able to change your mind…

The jury is out and most of you want it in yaoi. I'll just keep you guys guessing on the pairings then (on the later chapters). I'm not promising any minty scenes though.

* * *

"I'm sure you'll do fine. Fine my ass," grumbled Sakuragi, perfectly mimicking Maki's voice. "Those jerks are overreacting. We're the two best players in school. It would be crazy to kick us out."

"I don't think so. The fact that the dean called, it must be pretty serious," countered Sendoh.

Hanamichi frowned. "Whose side are you on?"

The ace of Ryonan help up his hands in defense. "I am totally sympathetic with your predicament dude. But Fujima's right. You two really need to hit the books," Sendoh pointed out.

"You don't study either," glared Rukawa.

"But I still get A's. Unless you guys can do that, you better start studying," Sendoh said patiently.

They entered Rukawa and Sakuragi dorm room. The scent of stale pizza, beer, and dirty laundry assailed Sendoh's senses. He gagged.

"Jesus Mary and Joseph. When did you last clean this place?"

The redhead sniffed the air. "Smells okay to me."

Sendoh would gladly trade his left lung for an oxygen tank and a haz mat suit right now.

"That's because you two are already immune to it. It smells like a skunk had a date in here," he wheezed.

"Can you stop with the skunk references and tutor us already?" said Rukawa, irritated.

"Geez. You should be honored that I graced your presence, let alone impart my valuable party time just to help you two study. A little gratitude would be nice," shot back Sendoh.

Hanamichi cut in before it got ugly. "Okay Sendoh, we'll do what you say so just chill alright?"

"That's better. You guys show me your notes then so I'll know where to start."

Sendoh looked at their notebooks. Rukawa's were bare and crinkly at the sides (he suspected it was due to dried drool) while the redhead's were full of doodles and scraggly lines.

"What the hell is this? Yours look like chicken scratches, while Rukawa's don't have anything at all." Sendoh squinted his eyes, willing them to decipher the cuneiform-like letters. He felt a migraine coming on.

"Screw this. Show me your syllabi instead."

"What's a syllabi?" said Rukawa and Sakuragi simultaneously.

Sendoh's scream was heard all over the campus.

_A week later…_

'Must…stay awake…must stay awake…'

Rukawa was nodding off again. He felt the familiar black void creeping into his consciousness, now if only he could sleep for a minute or two…

"Oi! Kitsune wake up!" hollered Sakuragi. He threw a thick physics book, and it bounced off Rukawa's head.

"Ow!"

Sendoh sighed. Koshino was right, as usual. A root canal was a trip to an amusement park compared to being stuck with these two. He couldn't stand being cooped up in their room for one more minute so he made up an excuse.

"Ok mates, I think you studied enough. Go run amok or something," he said. He needed to catch up on all the parties he had missed. With that he ran out without a backward glance.

_Monday morning. Subject: Psychology 101_

Rukawa was having a bad case of pre-exam jitters. He knew if he got a bad mark in this test he might as well kiss his scholarship goodbye.

'I don't feel this way before a game. Why the hell am I nervous now?" he thought. His palms were sweating so much, he could hardly hold his pencil.

For him, taking tests was uncharted territory. Basketball was pretty straightforward, since all he had to do was shoot the ball into the hoop. For tests, it was a different matter. It was like playing Russian Roulette. You never know if the professor was feeling malicious at the time he was making the exam. Unfortunately for Rukawa, that was the case.

Question #1: What part of the brain relays information between lower and higher brain centers?

a) Pons

b) Amygdala

c) Hippocampus

d) None of the above

Shit. He didn't know the answer. He skipped to question 2. Still no luck. Panic was starting to seep in, paralyzing his thought process. Not knowing what to do, Rukawa just randomly filled in the circles on his test paper. He finished it quickly, but it didn't relieve his anxiety at all. He returned to his dormitory feeling depressed.

Hanamichi wasn't doing too great either. He got a couple of C's in his last Biology and Chemistry exams. He stomped towards Sendoh's place, ready to explode.

"This is all your fault!" bellowed Hanamichi, shoving his red-marked paper into Sendoh's face.

The spiky haired ace looked at it incredulously. "Why is it my fault? You're the one who took the test."

"You suck at tutoring!" yelled the redhead louder.

"Well you suck at school in general!" screamed Sendoh back.

"WILL YOU STOP WITH THE GODDAMN SHOUTING! I'M TRYING TO STUDY HERE GODDAMNIT!" shrieked Mitsui from the other room. His voice was so loud it disturbed everybody in the dorm. Even Fukuda living at the end of the hall heard him.

"Where's the fire?" he said, a tad annoyed.

Hanamichi gave him a menacing look. He was still sore at the other boy for stealing his post. "Mind your own business!" he barked. Fukuda glared and left in a huff.

Rukawa was standing in the doorway, cool as always.

"Are you two quite finished?"

"No! What am I going to do? I can't be kicked out. My mom will kill me," babbled Hanamichi.

"Calm down. I'm sure your teachers will be willing to give you extra credit projects or something," said Sendoh.

Rukawa shook his head. "We don't have enough time. The finals are a week away."

The redhead meanwhile was having a major nervous breakdown. He was sitting in a corner, rocking himself. It was a pitiful sight.

Sendoh thought hard. He really didn't want Sakuragi and Rukawa to be expelled. The parties wouldn't be the same without the redhead making a fool of himself. Plus, Maki would skin him alive if he lost the golden duo. He shuddered at the thought.

"I have an idea. It's a long shot, but it's worth a try."

"What is it?" asked Rukawa.

Sendoh smiled grimly. "I think it's time we visit Hikoichi."


	3. The Loophole

Thank you for all those who reviewed! Namely DraejonSoul, Ai-Kusabana, Marisol, chibiginia, Tina Caps, Diamond, and Ize101

* * *

It was common knowledge at the Tranquility dorm (the place where the whole basketball team stays at) if you need anything done, especially if it was legally ambiguous, one should call Aida Hikoichi.

And so we find Sakuragi, Rukawa and Sendoh heading down the dorm's gloomy basement.

"Are you sure about this? How can he get our grades up?" asked Rukawa skeptically. He loathed the thought of asking help from anyone, but today he was desperate enough to make an exception.

"Relax. If there is anyone in the world who can get you out in a pinch, it's him," said Sendoh, knocking on Hikoichi's door.

"Who is it?" came a muffled voice.

"It's Sendoh. I need to talk to you."

"What about?"

The ace of Ryonan cut to the chase. "I need you to hack into the school's database. It's important."

The door opened, but just a crack.

"What's in it for me?" inquired Hikochi slyly.

"I'll put in a good word for you in the team. Who knows, maybe Maki will choose you as one of the starters next semester," Sendoh said casually.

"Really?" said Hikiochi, thrilled.

Sakuragi stifled a laugh. The idea of the shortest player as a starter was totally ludicrous. Seeing the two glares pointed his way, he immediately clammed up.

Sendoh flashed his mega-watt smile. "Would I lie to you?"

"Of course not. Come in," ushered Hikiochi, instantly turning into a genial host. Sendoh gave a thumbs-up sign behind his back.

The three entered Hikoichi's room. It was full of gadgets and numerous computers. The place was also completely spotless. A drill sergeant would've cried from seeing its pristine glory. Sendoh whistled.

"Nice digs. Your room is so much better and nicer-smelling than Hanamichi's," he commented, snubbing the redhead's loud yell of indignation. "You probably know why we're here."

"Yeah. I heard the commotion all the way down here," snickered Hikoichi.

"Good, at least I don't have to explain anymore. I need to see their grades."

Hikoichi switched on his laptop and started typing some codes. He got in after only a few minutes. "Uh oh. It looks pretty bad."

Under Rukawa and Sakuragi's names was the word probation in big, bold letters.

"Looks like the dean is really out to get you two," stated Sendoh.

"You don't say," said Rukawa sarcastically.

"I have never seen so many C's and F's in all my life," said Hikoichi, amazed. "Are you guys gunning for a world record or something?"

"Urusai," said Hanamichi, obviously embarrassed. "Why don't we just tweak our grades a little bit?" he wondered out loud.

Hikoichi didn't even look up. "Bad idea. The last person who did that got blacklisted in every college and university in Kanagawa. He had to change his name and move out of town. Do you really want to take that chance?"

"Ok, scratch that then," said Hanamichi, looking sheepish.

"Do'aho," said Rukawa, while rolling his eyes. Trust the redhead to come up with the dumbest ideas.

"Well guys the bad news is that no amount of extra credit projects will pull your grades up," said Sendoh.

Rukawa and Hanamichi visibly deflated.

"However, I heard that there is a loophole in the university's rulebook that can automatically get you guys A's. Now all we need is a confirmation that such rule exists. Do you think they have any scanned documents about that Hikoichi?" inquired Sendoh. He looked more determined than ever.

"I think so. I also heard about that rule, but I never believed it. Let me check." Hikoichi typed in more codes. This time it took him more than an hour to get in. Rukawa was fast asleep on the floor, while Sakuragi and Sendoh were engaged in a furious game of thumb wrestling. They were alerted by a loud "Unberibaburya!" from Hikoichi, signaling that he finally spotted the rule they were looking for.

"Says here in Article 93 Section 10 Subheading C, Pass By Catastrophe clause, "_students involved in any distressing turn of events are automatically awarded passing grades. Terms apply when a student commits suicide, their roommates automatically receive A's for all their classes that semester," _read the diminutive hacker.

"I never thought I'd say this, but you're a genius Sendoh," said Rukawa seriously.

Sendoh grinned. "I know."

Hanamichi decided to put his two cents in. "Hold up. Aren't you guys a little bit disturbed by this? We're talking about people's lives here," he pointed out. He felt it was a little too extreme just to stay in school.

Rukawa thought for a while. "No. Why should I?" he said bluntly.

"Why Hanamichi, it's not like you to be the voice of reason all of a sudden. Besides, we're not really doing anything wrong. We're just taking one meaningless death and make it work for you guys," interjected Sendoh. Seeing the power forward was still not convinced, he pulled out his trump card. "You don't want to incur your mother's wrath do you? he added.

Hanamichi paled. No, he didn't want that.

"So what's your game plan guys?" said Hikoichi.

"Maybe we can access the student profiles page and look for potential roommates. Think you can do that?" said Sendoh.

"No prob." Hikoichi went to the student profiles and clicked "Problem Students".

He and Sendoh guffawed when they saw the page. "Geez, almost all the former Shohoku students are here."

"Hanamichi Sakuragi, a notorious party animal and suspected of having ADHD."

"What the hell is ADHD?"

"It means you have the attention span of a fly," cut in Rukawa.

"Teme Kitsune!"

Sendoh continued to browse the university's web site. "…suffering from narcolepsy and exhibits anti-social behavior…wonder who that is."

"You're pushing it Sendoh," spat Rukawa.

Hikoichi and Sakuragi were rolling on the floor, clutching their stomachs.

"Mitsui is manic depressive, Miyagi's obsessive compulsive, Kiyota's a bit of a schizo, Hasegawa and Fukuda are cannabis addicts." Sendoh's eyes widened in mock surprise. "If I didn't know you guys any better I'd call all of you a bunch of fruitcakes."

"Oh yeah?" said Hanamichi, pointing at the screen. "Says here Akira Sendoh, playboy and extremely perky."

"Whaaat?" exploded the former Ryonan captain. "I can't help it if people throw themselves at my feet, but perky? Why I oughta…"

"Just find the most depressed, psychotic, suicidal guy in the campus alright?" ordered Rukawa, ignoring Sendoh's rant.

Hikoichi smirked. "Sure. You want fries with that?" The pale boy glared in response.

"That reminds me, you guys want to order pizza? My treat," Sendoh said all of a sudden.

"Yay! Pizza!" said Sakuragi, forgetting everything whenever food was involved. He was out and up the stairs in a flash. Rukawa followed suit.

That left the two Ryonan players alone in the room.

"Um, Aida, mind if you, er, delete that certain info about me? I'd be eternally grateful," said Sendoh. Hikoichi nodded. Sendoh beamed and made for the door.

"You know what you're doing is especially risky, coming from me," warned Hikoichi.

Sendoh stopped in his tracks to contemplate the shorter boy's words. Hikoichi thought he saw uncertainty in Sendoh's eyes, but it was gone in an instant.

"Come on. This plan is practically foolproof. Nothing can go wrong," said Sendoh firmly, more to himself than anything.

Hikoichi gave a non-committal shrug. "Whatever you say Akira."

"I really appreciate your vote of confidence man."

"If it makes you feel any better, I'd say your plan might just be crazy enough to work," said Hikoichi, trying to sound positive for his former captain.

"That's the spirit," winked Sendoh and went out.

"I hope," Hikoichi said under his breath.

* * *

To be continued….

ADHD Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

I got the information about Pass By Catastrophe from Wikipedia from all places. You gotta love that site.


End file.
